by Sarah Falciani, CPC, CPDS
We all experience stress. Some of our stressors are within our control and some of them are, let’s just face it, completely out of our control. Unfortunately, the stressors we experience that are out of our control can deplete us so much that we lose sight of just how much we actually ARE able to control.
Once we can no longer see the things that we do have control over, it becomes easy for us to slip into victim mode and much more difficult to be proactive in managing any of our stress.
That then leads to us feeling even more burned out, and worse, trapped and desperate for the next time we can take a vacation away from everything. Does this sound familiar?
This cycle of living in burnout, taking a long vacation to recharge, then coming back to the same routine that leads to more burnout is not healthy, nor is it sustainable.
There is a way out of this cycle, and it doesn’t necessarily require quitting your job, deleting social media, and moving into a bungalow on a beach in Bali. While that doesn’t necessarily sound like a terrible idea, it may not be the most practical option for most of us.
So, what can you do?
Acknowledge and Validate How you Feel
“I’m Okay.” “I’m fine.” “It’s Okay.” “It’s all good.”
They are our default responses when people ask us how we are and how things are going, and a lot of the time they are lies that we say because they preserve our survival mode and protect us from having to look at the ugly truth – that we maybe aren’t “Okay” – and any consequences that that might bring.
Living in denial of your stress and burnout is adding to your stress and burnout.
It’s Okay to not be “Okay.” It’s Okay to be honest when you are feeling stressed out, burned out, and trapped underneath the weight of things that feel out of your control. There’s nothing to feel bad, or guilty about. Your feelings are valid. Acknowledging and validating how you are really feeling, even if it is just to yourself, is a massive, important step.
We put so much pressure on ourselves to have it all together all the time when that is neither realistic nor healthy. Things are big and scary until we shine a light on them. They may be uglier with the light shining on them, but at least we can see them clearly and can start to deal with them.
Take Back Control with The Rule of 3
Now that you are starting to be honest with yourself about how you are feeling about certain situations, you can start to shift your focus.
Every day we run across situations that frustrate us and add to our stress. Traffic, sick kids, sick pets, unexpected bills, bad weather, fights with significant others, tension with the boss or coworkers, trying to homeschool AND work from home simultaneously – these are all examples of situations that people are facing every. Single. Day. And some may even be facing ALL of it at the same time!
The Rule of 3 is a trick that you can use at any time, but especially on the days when it feels like everything is out of control. The way it works is:
For every single event or situation that feels out of control, list three things that you DO have control over.
You may find yourself listing three things that you do have control over that are related to the situation or event (i.e. “I can control how I respond to this event”), or they may be totally unrelated (i.e. “I can control where and what I eat for lunch today”). It doesn’t really matter. The important thing is that you are grounding yourself in feelings of empowerment by reminding yourself that this is your life, and you have more control over it than you sometimes feel.
Set Healthy Boundaries
Now that you’re shining a light on your stress, validating your feelings, and you have taken a step towards feeling more grounded and empowered with a list of a few things you DO have control over, you can play with setting boundaries.
Start with one stressful thing or situation at a time and see where you can either eliminate, delegate, or set a boundary.
Examples of boundaries include:
Saying “no.”
Quitting any over-explaining and over-apologizing.
Removing yourself from toxic relationships and situations.
Unfollowing/blocking people on social media who bring your energy down.
Raising the standards of how you treat yourself and how you expect others to treat you – and then tolerating nothing less.
Allowing yourself to ask for help/delegate.
And more…
Conclusion
Stress is a part of life and not all stress is bad. But even the best forms of stress, like a promotion in our dream job or a new baby, can still overwhelm us and wear us down into burnout if not properly managed.
These three steps: Acknowledging and validating how you feel, practicing the Rule of 3, and eliminating, delegating, and/or setting healthy boundaries will help you take back your life and say goodbye to feeling trapped by stress… For good!
(Sarah Falciani is a certified professional performance coach, Army veteran, blogger, host of the Audacity Academy podcast, and career mentor who specializes in helping busy professionals break the cycle of burnout and elevate to all new levels of success in their lives and careers. When she is not helping her clients and readers manage their stress, apologize less, set better boundaries, and live a healthier and more happy life, she likes to ride her motorcycle, go skydiving and hiking, play with her two cats and two dogs, and explore new places. You can follow Sarah’s work, subscribe for updates, and connect with her through her socials via www.sarahfalciani.com.)
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