Working with Emotional Competence

Everyday we are faced with decisions. We often find ourselves asking should I go on that date? Should I take this job? How do I deal with my difficult boss? While some of these dilemmas may seem inconsequential, the outcomes of our decision can have far reaching impact on our lives and wellbeing.

Often, these dilemmas have emotional undertones that can be difficult to ignore or deal with. Hence, we find decision making to be stressful. This feeling of stress is an emotional experience that influences our choices; we can destress our lives and improve outcomes by working with emotional competence.

Emotional competence is a collection of emotional intelligence-based capabilities. Our level of emotional intelligence determines how well we are able to learn and apply the following 4 emotional competences of self awareness, motivation, self regulation, and empathy to our lives.

• Self-awareness:

  Solomon, King of Israel, once said “The first speech in a court case is always convincing – until the cross-examination starts!” This quote summarizes what this emotional competence is about: we should not just accept things based on appearances, but ask questions about the current state of affairs. Questions like how do I feel right now? Why do I feel this way? Do I feel confident to take on this challenge or task successfully? Am I choosing the best possible response to this situation? With this competence, we are able to recognize our emotions, do a realistic assessment of our ability to handle the present situation, and make decisions that are grounded in a sense of self-confidence.

• Self-regulation:

  This emotional competence gives us the ability to control our emotions, keeping them in-check so that they do not unduly interfere with our activities and decision making process. With this competence, we are able to take a long-term perspective on issues that concern us, ignore distractions, exercise delayed gratification to pursue goals, and recover well from emotional distress. Some ways we practice this competence include prioritizing listening over talking and taking a few seconds to think about your next steps.

• Self-motivation:

  Self-motivation enables us to operate with an internal locus of control in life. When we are self-motivated, we call on our innermost resources to move and guide us towards our desired goals. When we work with this competence, we are able to take initiative and persevere in the face of adversity. The practice of self-motivation include using positive affirmations and drawing inspiration from our past accomplishments, among others.

• Empathy:

  You probably have heard the saying before, “Do not judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.” This maxim expresses the idea that constructive relationships are built on the foundation of empathy, that is, the ability to feel what other people are feeling, to see what they see, and to connect with them with the intention to understand things from their perspective. This emotional competence enables us to build meaningful and productive relationships with people, whether they are our colleagues, classmates, significant other, children, or friends and acquaintances.

So what’s the deal?

I sense that by now you recognize a need for these competencies in your life, and you may have tried to get them to work for you without much success. I’ve got good news; you can be emotionally competent! One way to begin raising your emotional competence is to learn about it like you are doing by reading this article.

While acquiring knowledge about emotional competence can be an intellectually enriching experience, I want to emphasize an aspect of learning and mastery that not too many people consider, the aspect of actually practicing a skill until you have mastered it and can perform it subconsciously. To effectively, and perhaps, permanently raise your emotional competence, you need to go beyond knowing about it, and start working with the 4 competencies we discussed earlier.

How do you work with emotional competence?

Consider a salesman or a business owner looking to bring in more revenue. You earn more revenue by getting your existing customers to pay more, and by acquiring more paying customers. Self awareness allows you to recognize that your customers may have needs and preferences that are different from what you think, or may perceive your products and services differently than you intended. The empathetic thing to do is listen to your customers to find out how they feel about your products and services.

A distinction between this practice of empathy and what obtains in the structured customer service approach in a lot of organizations is the intent to understand. For instance, when customers make a complaint or talk about a product at the point of sale, while you listen, are you merely waiting to respond, or do you seek to feel what the customer feels? Making this switch from scripted responses to personable connections is how to work with emotional competence in your business. When you genuinely connect with your customers you are able to serve them better, and they reward you with their purchases.

These emotional competences are also relevant in our personal lives. I remember a scenario from this fall. I was having a conversation with my wife and, all the while, our 3-year old daughter was reciting her nursery rhymes at the top of her voice, oblivious of the two adults in the room. I had watched my wife repeatedly drift out of our conversation to get her to keep quiet but without much success. As my wife’s frustration with the “noise” mounted, she tried again to quiet our daughter, this time with enough force in her voice to startle the little girl.

I interjected at this point and reminded my wife that toddlers learn by talking to themselves, and that our daughter’s behavior was perfectly normal, not a disturbance. She, being an emotionally intelligent woman, became more self aware. She regulated her response and drew on her inner resources to focus on our conversation. We were soon oblivious of our daughter’s chorus. Everybody won!

Win-win outcomes is the unique value that working with emotional competence unlocks for those who embrace it. The nerve-racking problems that we inevitably face in our businesses, careers, and personal relationships don’t always fit into the all-or-none frame of problem solving that is widely popular.

As you may have observed, forcing them into this frame causes a lot of mental distress and leaves a lot of issues unresolved. However, in the face of these challenges, we can destress and enjoy richly rewarding experiences in the vital aspects of our lives by working with emotional competence.

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