by Michelle Cowles
Recognize any of these?
- Never give up
- Don’t stop when you’re tired, stop when you’re done
- When the going gets tough, the tough get going
I was raised with all of them: the idea that when we commit to something, we see it through – no excuses. As one of three girls, we presented a female work force on our family farm. Gender was irrelevant and overcoming obstacles a matter of pride. To be weak, to not complete a chore was not an option. This early belief flowed through from chores to jobs, to relationships.
And while the ‘never quit’ pattern did not present too much obvious difficulty as a child; it certainly began to impact my health as an adult.
Hyper-commitment
Fatigued beyond belief, gut issues, using a glass of wine or three to unwind daily stress, super tight Achilles from overtraining, a stiff neck that could only be loosened by a remedial massage therapist, breast pain, and chronic poor sleep.
These were the physical symptoms that I managed to manifest 30 years on. Stuck in a job that felt like it was eating me alive, a stalled relationship, and exercising to the point of exhaustion (never give up), things began to unravel. The self-created hyper-commitment had finally grown out of control and impacted my health.
Several trips to the doctor for tests and scans did not offer any insight. Changing my diet and exercise had not improved the situation. I dragged myself onwards, repeating patterns and behaviors until symptoms of adrenal fatigue escalated.
Eventually, the stress and sheer fatigue resulted in reducing work hours to part-time. Still, despite lessening commitments, the body’s plea to stop would no longer be silenced, sending me back to bed to nap many times a day.
A light bulb moment
Finally, awareness about how our emotions and beliefs drive our physical well-being came to my attention. Who knew it was possible to still get things done without running myself so hard?
I came to realise that sitting underneath the fatigue was the belief that it wasn’t okay to ‘quit’.
This old pattern of ‘never give up’ had manifested in delusions of perfectionism; a need for control; the drive to achieve despite all obstacles. It had also manifested in deep unhappiness as all awareness of what my heart wanted was blanketed in emotional numbness.
Stressed and stuck
Consciously, I knew work was secure and well paid, but the hours were hideous and the ‘never give up’ combined with perfectionism made unrelenting taskmasters. The ‘in tray’ was never empty and I did not know how to ‘switch off’.
Sadly, this also applied to my marriage which may have looked okay from the outside – big house, mortgage, holidays, etc, but emotional disconnect ate at my soul – the trade-off could no longer be sustained.
Time for change
Slowly but surely, I let go of the rigid beliefs that sat behind the life I created. ‘Never quit’ had created commitment overload, stress – mental and physical, feeling stuck and unable to see alternatives.
Underpinning this was a feeling of only being able to rely on myself for support, unable to say ‘no’ or ask for help. Backed into a corner by my beliefs, my body was begging me to listen.
Is it time to Quit?
- Can’t say ‘no’
- Life feels like a chore
- Feel too guilty to put yourself first
- Exhaustion
- Loud inner critic
- Need to control life
- Addiction as distraction – alcohol, shopping, drugs, gambling, exercise, etc
- Frequent accidents- stumbling, bruises, cuts, or burns
- Can’t remember feeling happy
(If you get 4 or more, it might be time to review your beliefs.)
Quitter
Why was the idea of ‘quitting’ so uncomfortable? It took looking at my early childhood beliefs as an observer to highlight the unhelpful conditions I had attached to ‘quitting’.
Somewhere along the way, I had connected ‘quitting’ with ‘failure’ and letting my parents down. Examining these ideas in the cold light of day and from an adult’s perspective made my beliefs look ridiculous! Time to take the driver’s seat and create beliefs that aligned with my heart and soul.
Get the message, lose the symptom
No criticism to my child self, she was doing the best she could, but I can now see that the fears of quitting and failing were stopping me from moving forward.
So ‘quitter’ became ‘learner’. If my experiences were only opportunities to learn from, I decided to try and understand what they were telling me. Clearly, my job was not good for my health, my training was excessive, and it was time to move on from my relationship – for both our sakes.
It wasn’t ‘easy’ – change often isn’t.
But it was worth it.
Winning
Learning to listen to my heart has been good for me, body, and soul. Coincidentally, my physical symptoms ended – there was never physical evidence for them anyway.
Perhaps they only truly existed in my beliefs.
(Michelle Cowles is passionate about health and wellbeing, and now works as a Kinesiologist/Energy 
Therapist and QHHT© practitioner, coaching and supporting others through life’s challenges and change.
In 2013 she became exhausted. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. My life was barely functioning. The journey to wellness included 2 outstanding women, one a psychologist and the other a kinesiologist who helped release the subconscious patterns that she was using to sabotage her life. Eight years later, she runs her own practice in Newcastle, supporting others to understand their body’s messages and use their innate internal guidance to improve their wellbeing.
She loves her Newcastle life – its beaches and lush hiking spots, and this wonderful gift called life.)
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